My insecurities

As crossdressers and transwomen we all have our insecurities.

One of my biggest insecurities is my upper body. I work out and stay in shape. I have a low body fat percentage and defined biceps, triceps and shoulders. In the past I have only done my dressing up in fall/winter months so I could get away with wearing sleeves and layers. But now with the warmer months coming up, I won’t be able to get away with the sleeves and layers much longer. Eventually I’ll have to wear short sleeves/sleeveless tops and dresses and it does make me a bit uncomfortable.

I am only 157 pounds at 6 feet tall. Compared to other men, I am not bulky. I don’t have Arnold Schwarznegger arms. I do have a low body fat percentage though, which means I don’t have a lot of fat to smooth my arms and shoulders out, meaning my muscles are defined and my veins/vascularity are exposed. Combined with typical broader male shoulders its harder to sell as feminine. I know that female body builders exist and women with broad shoulders exist, but how many of them have the whole package?

In my first period of crossdressing from November 2014-February 2015, I did wear sleeveless tops/tank tops/short sleeves. But I did a lot of my dressing in private, and only went out in public once wearing a sleeveless top. Despite being nearly 60 pounds heavier at the time, I was able to get away with it because I had so much more fat that it was able to soften up my arms and shoulders.

Unfortunately there isn’t much I can do other than just suck it up and deal with it and let the chips fall where they may. I’ll probably start by wearing short sleeve tops. It may be a bit difficult because I doubt the female sleeve widths are cut in a manner to accommodate the circumference of male arms, but at least my shoulders won’t be exposed, and tactics like using a V-Neck and necklace can draw attention away from the shoulders. The thing is I really like the look of sleeveless tops and tank tops. I want to make it work for me.

One thing I refuse to do is stop lifting weights and purposely try to lose muscle. No way. I’ve worked very hard to get my body composition where its at and my strength levels to where they are. I am not going to sacrifice all of that and throw it away just because I dress up as a woman once a week. This is something I addressed in a blog post I made back in 2016. That I felt like I was having to sacrifice too much of my male life just for the sake of my dressing up once or twice a week. I refuse to do that.

Another thing I am insecure about is my jaw. You can do all the contouring you want, but its hard to hide a male jaw even with that. Especially when I smile. I feel like my facial shape is fine apart from my jaw. For the same reason I am insecure about my side profile and nose. Straight on my profile and face isn’t bad. But from the side it really brings out my jawline and masculine nose and I don’t think it is passable at all even in pictures. You can contour your nose to slim it from the front but you can’t do that from the side. Again, having low body fat works against me with my jaw since I don’t have fat to smooth it out, so the male angularity of my jawline is on full display. A sharp, defined jawline is a great feature to have as a guy, not so much as a girl.

Lastly I am insecure about my height. It’s a good thing to be over 6 feet tall as a guy, but as a crossdresser its just another thing working against you. It’s why I don’t really wear heels, even though I like the style and fashion of heels. Flats for life.

I also have insecurities in male mode. When I am shaven after having dressed up, I am insecure about my lack of facial hair and thinner eyebrows. No one notices but I don’t think I look as attractive as a man without my facial hair and thicker eyebrows.

With my insecurities, I do have things to be proud of. First off my body. Since I am in shape with little body fat, I have a slender torso and figure with a thigh gap. I have a defined waist under 30 inches. I don’t have a beer belly protruding out and I can look slim in tighter fitting tops and dresses. It also allows me to easily be able to fit into women’s clothing with room to spare. My shoe size of 10 means I can find women’s shoes in my size in stores.

I do have a female voice that isn’t bad at all. I am not comfortable yet speaking in it on a YouTube video, but I have used it in public. I’ve also used it on Skype sessions and have had people tell me its very passable. I don’t have the deepest voice as a man, so I don’t have to practice very much. The lack of deep voice also means I don’t really have a prominent Adam’s Apple.

Despite being tall and musclar, at least I have a small overall frame. My ribcage isn’t very wide.

Overall, while I do have insecurities, I also have a lot to be thankful for as well. My goal is to make sure I have the best of both worlds as both a guy and as a girl and to try and thread that needle.

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48 Hours After

It’s now been a couple of days since my return and having had almost 48 hours to soak everything in I thought I would lay out my thoughts.

First off I want to thank all my readers. Having not posted on this blog or even checked it since December 2016, the audience naturally fell off to 0. There would be a random hit on the blog every now and then but for the most part it got no traffic. I had 142 visitors on April 22, the day I returned, despite not linking my blog or advertising it anywhere but my Instagram page profile. Not a bad visitor count for not having posted in a year and a half and not really advertising the fact this blog was still around.

I know with my previous 2 rounds, I always had a major sense of urgency to dress up again as soon as I could. My first ever time to dress up was the day before Thanksgiving in 2014. It bummed me that I wasn’t able to do so on Thanksgiving that year as I would be with family and had to wait until Friday to do it again. Then I dressed up that Friday and Saturday. In 2016 it was the same way, my first day to dress up was Sunday October 9. Unfortunately because of work commitments I couldn’t dress up until Friday October 14, which I did as soon as I got home from work.

This time I am taking things a lot more slow. I didn’t even really do anything crossdressing related yesterday. I didn’t browse crossdressing/transgender websites or look for new clothes or shoes to buy. I didn’t watch any videos, I didn’t write a blog post. I liked the concept of having a 24 hour cool down period. Because one of the main issues I had in my previous 2 rounds was that I let crossdressing run my life as opposed to letting it be a part of my life. My life revolved around it. It’s no surprise I got overwhelmed both times as the beast required too much energy and effort to continue to be fed. I don’t want to make the same mistake this time. While I am not getting any younger and already showing signs of aging, I think the slow and methodical approach will pay off in the long run. I’m not saying I have no desire to dress up again – I do – but I need to take things one step at a time. That’s where I got into trouble the last two times, I was thinking way too far ahead. Round One I had bought so many clothes and shoes that I couldn’t wear them fast enough. I was having to plan out dates months in advance just to be able to wear them for the first time. The 2nd time around I was better at this, but still got too far ahead of myself.

If you read my blog in the past you would know how much I hated shaving, easily my least favorite part of it all. In male mode, I prefer wear facial hair and don’t really like how I look clean shaven. It takes a few days for my facial hair to grow back as much as I want it to be. I also am insecure about having thinner eyebrows. I also hate shaving because in order to get as close as you need to get, you run the risk of roughing up your skin and dealing with irritation the days after. I am satisfied with how my skin isn’t as irritated with red bumps as it was in the past, but I credit my facial care routine I have been on the past few months. There are still red bumps and irritation, but far less.

The creeps – ugh. Of course, they are out in full force. Whether it be reddit or Instagram, the creeps have come out of the woodwork and hitting me up despite all the warnings I give to them to fuck the hell off. I don’t even tell them to fuck off, I 100% ignore them and don’t want to even give them the satisfaction of a response. In the past I would tell them to piss off and that would just make them even more horny apparently. I hate creepers and the only time I use foul language on here is when I am referring to them.

I am still pretty pleased with how the pictures I took came out for the most part. The one thing that concerns me is how the pictures I took with my expensive $1000 camera looked vs. the pictures I took with my drone/cell phone. I looked significantly worse in the pictures taken with my expensive camera, and have not shared any of them yet. The quality may be a bit too good and brings out the flaws that the other cameras won’t pick up on(i.e. the spot I missed shaving on my chin). However, its not like my drone/phone cameras are pieces of crap. The drone is the brand new DJI Mavic Air that just came out a couple months ago. It’s got a good camera. The phone is a Samsung Galaxy Note 8 which has one of the best cameras for a cell phone. One thing that gives me hope is that the expensive camera I have isn’t really meant for remote operation or taking selfies. It’s more meant for someone to be behind the camera operating the controls to get the best picture settings for the best quality. It has an automatic mode but even that was producing pictures I felt were way too dark and underexposed. Perhaps this is why I looked so orange in them. The pictures taken with my drone/phone may have been a tad overexposed and oversaturated, but were bright enough to actually see me. Oddly enough the 4k videos produced by my expensive camera were more in line with what the drone/phone cameras were producing, not picking up on the heavy orange tint the expensive camera was producing for my face. It will take some adjusting, but I just want to know which of my cameras are producing the photos that are most inline with reality and what others would see. I don’t want the photos from my good camera to discourage me, but I probably won’t feel comfortable going out in public until I look better in pictures taken with it.

The one crossdressing related thing I did yesterday was put on a full face of foundation, concealer and powder. I wanted to see if the orange was because of the makeup or because of the orange based concealer I use around my beard. The makeup I use is from MAC. I use MAC Studio Sculpt Foundation, Pro Longwear Concealer and Select Sheer Pressed Powder. Well, after 3 hours of wear, I saw no signs of orange whatsoever. The only issues I had were undereye creasing, but I didn’t moisturize my face before applying so that should be fixed going forward. Looks like the orange was because of the orange concealer. I’ll have to learn how to use the orange concealer properly, or drop it completely.

When I dress up the next time I’ll continue to keep it casual. Jeans or pants, t-shirts. Maybe throw in a dress in there at some point and shorts or a skirt. I have no clothes in my closet right now apart from the top, jeans, pendant neckalce, bra, panties, and shoes I wore on Sunday. The main issue I have with top selection is my arms. I’ll go into more detail another time but I do workout and lift weights and I have defined shoulders and biceps. It’s something I would be self conscious about wearing short sleeves or going sleeveless. In the past I had only dressed up in winter months, so I could get away with wearing layers or long sleeves to conceal my arms/shoulders. With the weather getting warmer I’ll have to go short sleeve or sleeveless eventually. It was only in the 70s on Sunday and I was sweating. I need to buy an anti perspirant for my breast forms/hip pads, something I never needed in the past because I never dressed up in warmer months.

I don’t really like to talk about things like this because it attracts the creeps and perverts, but tucking was a major issue I had. I could not keep myself contained. The main problem is that its hard not to get an erection while dressed up, which will press against whatever I am using to keep myself contained and undo it. I don’t dress up for the sexual thrill or sexual gratification, or the fetish reasons, but its still something that happens and its a pain in the ass to deal with. I had to adjust myself and retuck countless number of times. I wish there was a way I could prevent myself from being aroused. My typical approach has been to use a pair of extra small panties from Victoria’s Secret with a pair of panties that are my size on top of them which does the trick until the erection happens. I may have to resort to using a homemade sock + elastic gaff that I used my first round in 2014/2015. I didn’t really care for it much because it was uncomfortable and dug into my skin, but having lost a lot of weight since then and not using a headband as the elastic this time, I might be able to make it work.

Overall I have a lot to look forward to and a lot to work on. I have an idea what I want to wear for my next outing but I haven’t bought anything yet. I like being spontaneous instead of just buying a bunch of clothes and then figuring out when to wear them and what to wear them with. I also have a lot of blog post ideas. Having started and stopped and restarted crossdressing twice now, I am thinking of starting a series about how to start crossdressing. You can find so many articles/message board posts/etc. online, but the problem with those guides is that they miss so many minor details. I would cover the nitty gritty because there are so many things you can miss. I might even write the first part today.

Until next time, Molly

And once again, I return

1 year, 4 months, 27 days.

I’m back!

created by dji camera

Will anyone notice I am back? According to my blog stats, it looks like no one comes here anymore. I used to have a decent following, but now its just a random visitor here and there.

So much has happened.

This is my first time since November 26, 2016. I still remember my (now deleted) post calling it quits on December 1 of 2016. It happened so fast. It was a Friday Night. I typically did my dressing up on Saturdays. I was plucking my eyebrows and doing some pre-Saturday routine items to prepare. I went to bed and was watching TV and it just came over me. I needed a break. I had purged once before in 2015 because I was overwhelmed from dressing too much and forcing myself to do so because I was buying too many clothes and had to justify it. I needed a break, but I treated the fact I needed a break as if I was over it and should purge. So I did. I didn’t think it through, I didn’t give it 48 hours, I literally put everything up on eBay the next morning. And that was it.

I had no regrets for the first few months. I got a new job and moved, and after being in my new city for about 4 months it slowly began to creep back into me. Realizing that the lack of desire to dress up was only temporary, I was upset. I thought I was over it. I tried to fight it but to no avail. I went to see a gender therapist for the first time I as it finally came over me there was no defeating this. After seeing the therapist in July, I came to the conclusion that this is me and that the only way I will find peace will be to transition. I was prescribed hormones and started on July 21.

The problem is that the entire time I was on hormones I could not shake the feeling of whether or not I was doing the right thing. I was 90% sure I wanted to do this, but the 10% was an elephant in the room. I could not overcome. I felt like if it was truly the right choice, I would have no doubts, and if I proceeded, I would always be consumed with doubt. I met with my therapist and she suggested I come out to a family member. So I did. I came out to my mom and we sat down and came up with the pros and cons of going all the way. We both concluded it was in my best interest to stop the transition, so on September 4 I did just that. The main thing was the fact that I wanted to transition, but didn’t need to. I wasn’t suicidal or depressed. I am very successful in life, have no problem earning the attention of women, I’m in great shape, make good money, a rock star in my career. It was too much to risk.

After stopping transition, I thought I needed to suppress all desires to dress up or be a woman. I was successful for a while, but as always it slowly creeped back. Come March of this year, it was like pushing a beachball under water. The harder I pushed down, the harder it would push back. I realized in moderation, I could probably make it work. The only hurdle I had was the financial aspect of it. I make good money and am not struggling at all financially, but it was still a tough pill to have to re-buy so many things. I finally did so last Thursday and set my first dress up date for today, Sunday April 22.

This time around I don’t plan on doing much different. I still will dress in a casual, comfortable manner like I always did and not try to push boundaries. My goal is to blend in and be seen as just another girl. I still only plan on dressing up once a week at the most and not overdoing it. This time, when I feel like its time to take a break, I’ll take a break. I won’t sell off/throw everything out, I will just pack it up and let it sit there until the desire to dress up comes back. That’s the only change I will make.

Anyway, today I dressed up for the first time since November 2016. Having not dressed up in nearly 17 months, there were some rookie mistakes I made. I went to MAC to get foundation matched last week, and I feel like the shade they gave me may be a tad too dark, or I may have just blended too much with my orange concealer that I use to conceal my beard area. I was looking pretty orange after a while. I also missed a few spots shaving on my chin that were apparent up close. As much as I tried to pluck my eyebrows, I will probably be best off just getting them waxed since its hard to get every last stray hair by plucking. I forgot to buy white eyeliner for my lower lash line. My makeup application was mediocre. All things I can let slide since I had to shake off the rust.

Apart from that, I think things went pretty well. My plan was to just get back into it and not do too much. I didn’t go anywhere public, I just went to an empty school parking lot/football field down the street to take pictures with my cameras and drone. I think going with a darker hair color this time was a good decision. I had gone with a light brown/auburn color in the past. I went with the same wig style, only with a darker brown/auburn color this time. I was pleased with how the pictures came out. Having a drone this time really opens up the possibilities for camera angles. I also have a fancy $1,000 camera at my disposal, but I feel like it will take some trial & error before I feel comfortable with the shots it takes. It’s a bit too good quality, and it brings out the flaws that the other cameras I have won’t pick up on.

I don’t know when I go out in public. The thing with going out in public is that I always felt like I forced myself to do it. Even if it wasn’t in my comfort zone. I had public outings that were total successes, but I also had outings that weren’t. It’s easy to tell yourself “Who cares what others think” and “Don’t worry about others” but in reality its harder. It doesn’t help I am a natural pessimist. I always assume the worst. Each time I got clocked/read I automatically assumed the reaction was either negative or making fun of me in their minds.  Even though that probably wasn’t the case. I don’t mind getting clocked or read at all – I just want people to look at me like they would any other girl and not a zoo/circus exhibit. If I can leave a positive impression on people, I will take that. Because lets face it, us t-girls and crossdressers are a punchline and subject of ridicule. Many stereotype us as creepy pervert fetishists. If I can leave an impression that is the opposite of that, I will take it. I still remember my last public outing in 2016, I went to an ULTA and then Starbucks. The girl at the ULTA counter probably read me but was very nice and complimentary. Then at Starbucks the barista was also very complimentary and told me how good I looked. I hope that I was able to show them that not all of us are sick creeps. It will do the community a lot of good and hopefully make other t-girls/crossdressers more willing to go out in public too.

I might dress up again next weekend. Maybe I won’t. The difference this time is that I will only do it when I want to, and not schedule it in advance. I’ll be more spontaneous this time. In the meantime I will just appreciate being back in the game and enjoy today’s experience.

Until next time, Molly